176 days…
Maybe I’ve come a little way into acceptance, maybe I’m stuck back in those horrific first few days since you died: I seem to swing wildly between the two in the space of a day.
I just wish that *something* would happen – like the fence or the verandah or the 3rd party claim or *something* more that lets me tick off another box in this shit that is dealing with the fallout….
I must have moved on somehow though – I was cracking very bad taste jokes about the lady who runs the local cemetery / crematorium … and I made people laugh.
(Seriously though – that lady is Very Strange … apparently I should be impressed that some semi-famous bloke was buried there a few weeks before you? !?! I don’t get it… does she think you blokes will have beers after dark? Talk engines til the wee-small hours as you sit upon your graves?!?)
Gah …. See what I mean – bad taste humour that very possibly freaked other people out … and yet I know you would have been laughing along with me.
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The kids went to the psych’s again today. I can see that they have come a long way in the past 6 months which is kind of nice. We aren’t quite so fragile as we were. Somehow though, I think that we’ll be needing to check in with her every few months for the next 20 years….
Geez I worry about the next 20 years… 30, 40 50 years…
“Try not to look too far ahead” they tell me.
Well bugger that. I need a plan. I’ve always needed a plan (and a map as you well know) and I feel rudderless without one. Problem is, every plan I make is wrong and horrible and lonely and *empty*. I can’t picture moving on from here.
So my plans are only about a week long at the moment as I plod through days … I feel blinkered and uncertain. and I don’t like it.
I miss you.
I need you.
I love you.
XA
It’s hard not to have a plan, a vision for the future. I have gotten used to living one day at a time. I find that it really keeps me in the present and is helpful with the grief. As I return to work, it will be one week at a time. I guess because of Dave’s battle with cancer, I was forced into short term thinking. I look forward to the time when I can plan into the future again. It is just too painful and depressing right now.